10 Even More Useless Cars

Posted on January 17, 2011 by iCon

Remember this list of cars more useless than a Vitz? I had mentioned that there were more cars that were also pretty horrid that I’d forgotten to name and shame so here they are. Starting with the one that should’ve topped the previous list:
Toyota Fun Cargo

This car…Where to start? Well, it has the wheelbase and chassis of a Vitz and the height of a Noah. So it handles like a wheelchair and looks like a fat fish. I drove one of the newer ones and it seems like they took out the lawnmower that used to be the engine in the older models. I don’t know if this helps though because if you hit a corner at more than 40kph with the car, it will immediately cartwheel into the nearest ditch or wall.
Toyota IQ

On the original list, I had the Toyota Ist(how do you pronounce that anyway?) but after driving it, I have nothing bad to say…yet. Then I saw this vehicle pulling up almost on cue. My guess is that it snuck its way here in somebody’s hand luggage. Ladies and germs, this vehicle is tiny. I mean Super tiny. You need a motorcyle license to drive it and a soda straw to fuel it. I don’t know why it has seats in the back either, because all my midget friends said their midget babies couldn’t fit back there if they sucked their midget infant tummies in. I was going to buy one and sit it on my desk and use it as a hamster cage, but it turns out my hamster is claustrophobic. Oh and one more thing; grab your barf bags before I say this. Ready?

This car is reason the Aston Martin Cygnet exists. Aston. Martin. *slow facepalm *
Suzuki Jimmy(or Jimny)

Aside from being named after the lesser Kibaki and a condom, this vehicle really is the worst. It pretends to be a 4X4 but it’s really just a tall skateboard with chairs. Uncomfortable chairs too. Next time you capture a terrorist and you want to torture him, drive him around in this vehicle with the windows down. If the pain and agony of the ride don’t get him, the embarrassment of being seen in one will definitely get him talking.
Subaru Casa Blanca

Subaru are on a mission. Since they swapped their previously pseudo innovative designers out for this new herd of shameless plagiarizers, they’ve been churning out monstrosity after monstrosity. The first on the list is this supposedly special edition retro tribute Casa Blanca. Why anyone would pay more for this is beyond me. Yes, it costs more. I’m not sure whether to be mad at the buyers or the company on this one. I’m going to go with the company because they are also responsible for this:
Subaru Sambar

There’s a large number of Japanese and Chinese immigrants in the State House area that drive very peculiar vehicles, not the least of which is the Sambar. Aside from perpetually looking like it may tip over and fall and sounding like it uses AA batteries for power, the vehicle is quite funny. It’s like the bastard child of a clown car and Noah’s Ark. I kid you not, I saw a dude dropping his children off at nursery in this; about 12-13 urchins sprung out of the vehicle and then 4 women popped their heads out and waved behind them. Ridiculous.
Honda HR-V

This was supposed to be Honda’s competition for the X-Trail, Outlander and other functional successful Japanese small 4X4 tailored for the US market. It has an enormous amount of legroom and very little head room, kinda like it was designed Gru from Despicable Me. Those forward thinking folks at Honda…
Nissan Cube

If you see this car parked anywhere, do the following:
1. Take 10 steps back
2. Walk briskly towards its side
3. Bump into it gently.
If it tips over, kindly email diasporadical@gmail.com. I have a court case pending and I’m trying to convince them that I did not intentionally push the car over out of spite. But I did.
Toyota Prius

I don’t care if this car runs on piss and happiness, it’s still a severely useless vehicle. Stop buying it. It’s not cheap. It’s not cool. And as it turns out, not even environmentally friendlier than a FREAKING HUMMER! You wanna splurge on showing off your environmental savvy, buy the Jaguar CX-75. Thank me by putting your Prius on a catapult and hurling it at your neighbor’s Prius and passing on the good news.
Honda Mobilia

This…sigh. This is just a bad idea. I fart in your general direction if it was your idea. This car makes the FunCargo seem sensible. It has bottle tops for wheels and a chassis made of clothes hangers. And I think the entire vehicle is made of plastic. Not the strong kind either; the Tupperware kind.
Kia Opirus/Amanti

One day, an idiot employee at Kia decided that they should stop making small bad cars and make a big expensive luxury one. That’s tantamount to walking out and finding your car with bird droppings on it and beginning to wish cows could fly so you could get a nice warm load of dung all over it. Which is exactly what this car looks like. Really, it’s supposed to look like everything luxurious, but instead it looks like everything wrong with luxurious vehicles made with the budget of a Vitz. The result is the vehicular equivalent of the handicapped cousin who we leave at the village and act like he never existed. A sad travesty on wheels.
As it turns out the guy behind the vehicle got fired and the car was discontinued when someone with a triple digit IQ landed a managerial position at Kia. We’re still trying to figure out who that was seeing as the company moved from South Korea to Alabama. #NotHating
That’s all for now. More to follow. Have a peaceful day.